Brad

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 18:09:49 GMT

It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Underneath is a total stream of consciousness piece. It’s a bit different, but I decided I needed to come back with a slam-dunk. Wow I can smell the sarcasm dripping off that.

I have been inspired. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to let my thoughts roll. What? Months have gone by since the beginning of school. I've been living on my own for quite some time now and what can I say, but I've learned a lot. It’s not quite the same learning that I had last year. In fact, it’s completely different. Last year I learned how to be comfortable with myself, I learned how to make friends, and most importantly, I learned that the stigmas that followed me in high school, don’t have to haunt me now. Im completely my own.
I’ve adopted a much more abstract way of thinking about the world. Its no longer about the here and now, or even the later. It’s about the paralysis infinity of human existence. Isn’t it remarkable that so much of the world falls into this cryptic category of what we call the mysterious? Numerous similar scientific discoveries happen all over the world, constantly, independent of each other. Its like, once the answers are out, it’s a lot easier for us to reach up “there” and grab them. This being, this existence, doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. But the remarkable thing is that it does matter in the, what I like to call, ripple. Every action we choose to do, or not to do, has everlasting effects on the world around us. I don’t pretend to understand it, but it is something we have all seen. You know, like the fact that someone can donate their eyes when they die. The person that may not have been able to see before can now be the person that cures cancer. Amazing
This year ive spent a lot of time alone. This isn’t much different from how I usually spend my time, seeing as im the black sheep of my family. I usually spend my time at home as follows: wake up after my parents leave for work, am out of the house (with friends or working) by the time my family gets home, and come in after my parents go to bed. The times that I am home when my parents are home, is usually spent in my room, alone, watching TV. I have no reliable relationship with my brothers, besides an ever-diminishing amount of blood. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can’t talk to them about anything real in my life, for many reasons. One, I feel like they just don’t care. Everything in my life has been played down forever; nothing was ever aloud to be a “serious” issue. Once I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents (a rare occasion) and I was trying to explain to them that I have a lot of things going on in my mind that im not exactly sure how to deal with. Because my family is so peachy, I had to use an example. I told them about one of my friends who is going through some hard times, just to see how they would react. Can you believe this is what they said, “It’s a shame that young people have to take thing so seriously?” WTF? I’m petrified to go to my parents with a real issue, im terrified of how they would react to my life. Second, I feel like they simply wouldn’t understand. Im not trying to be stuck- up here, but my parents don’t have an education. I’m easily the most intelligent “book-smart” person in my family. And a lot of the time I fell like I have to dumb myself down to even get across to them. I don’t know if this is because they just don’t want to deal with things, so they pretend to not understand, or they just generally don’t.
The point, I’ve always been alone. Now its just more literally, than figuratively. So what helps me get through the day? I try.
I try to focus on energy. I realize that the friendships that I have now, are the ones that I want to have for a long time. The people that are close to me now, there are just no words. I feel like the energy that I receive from them, the “natural high” if you will, is more amazing than anything I’ve ever experienced. And this happens from two different types of friends. The people that I see regularly, that know my every move. That is until I bust out something totally fucked up that only they could understand. And the people that I see every now and again, the people that when I see I’m so pumped up for; they can totally make my day. This night, I spent with what I would consider my “privileged” people, has been amazing. Sometimes I might not be having the most “fun,” but I feel like I can be most my self there. Such understanding, almost to the level of bazaar, yet astonishing. But when I get to see the “elite” its just…different. I guess, it takes all types, it takes much more than the sum of the parts.

“im totally freakin. i had to read alittle bit more when i got back, so i duct taped my door, lit incense, and put a towel in my door, and read from my one-ie. im totally tweekin' but its great.”

When thinking about something more than this supposed sum, im lost, completely lost. There are so many fucking skeletons in my closet, way too much going on up there. I need fucking therapy, but there’s no way I can ask for that, with my family, are you kidding? Im terrified of letting someone getting close enough to me to start picking me apart. So much of my façade is based in my twisted enclosed mind. How can I even think about intimacy? Yet it is the thing I yearn for, I have the boat, I need the sail. But its something I can’t have. Countless girls have came up to me, some that I can actually see my self with, and yet I cant talk to them about anything real, because im afraid of them, and only them, seeing…“me.”

“James Iha – One and Two”

So instead I fill my life with amazing times. The most recent, the polo house. Lets start off by saying that im living with two of the polo guys next year, and I feel a particular attachment to them, seeing as they are my first “college” group of friends. Fuck. So when they won big tens I was pumped for it. Their house that night was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place with such positive energy before, besides, of course, a concert. Everyone was so welcoming, free beer, free shots, free everything, hey you’re here, your one of us. Everyone was cheerful. Someone, I remember, in the middle of the night, was standing on a table with two bottles of champagne pouring them into peoples mouths as they stood underneath, like waiting for snow flakes to hit their mouths. Slap the bag never stopped. 4 kegs on a Sunday night. So amazing. I live for these nights.
Doing awesome in school, don’t know how. I really think its because I’ve come to appreciate it so much more. I go to class, and I enjoy it (most of the time.) I don’t try that hard (I do study for exams, and try hard on papers) *knock Knock knock* I just learn when I am in class. I don’t know where this thirst for knowledge came from. Perhaps a way to prove myself? Im glad its here, keeps me optimistic.
As many of you have noticed, this is my first entry in quite some time, almost a year. It’s not in my normal, essay style. This is much more a therapeutic thing for myself; I apologize for any confusion. Nothing is literal, or maybe it all is?
So excited for the future, so interested in the here and now. I love that I walk down the sidewalk and smile for no reason at all. People see this and laugh, but if it influences them for that one moment, triumph. This means there are also times im completely miserable for no reason at all. I contemplate suicide daily, not the act of actually doing it, just think about the world going on with out me. This year I have learned that my world is different from most others. I have this…windfall…and I have to pay for it. It’s just a fucking coaster ride. And the worst part of all, sometimes it seams as if…
Its 241. Im going to read this in the morning and probably laugh, hopefully it’s added to/and or/posted.
May you awake on a lily pad, in a pond full of crystal clear water. No sand, no rocks, instead imagine diamonds. A picture perfect day, around 3p.m, in the spring, the sun is pouring in, and reflecting like a jeweler’s window on Michigan Ave in the Windy City. But your not in the city, your by a solitary building, a temple (of sorts) with stained glass windows. The sun shines through them just right to make colorful moving pictures on the white sand, between the pond and home. It’s surrounded by nothing but forest. These trees are not just trees. They sing. The most harmonious melodies, far greater than any human “composer.” Its warm, you understand…everything. And. You’re with others that do too, the “ones” you meet along the way. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
I don’t know if ill keep this up. No promises.
Good night. Some things never change. TAKE CARE! I mean it. “.

time change

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 17:29:22 GMT

dont come over at 8, well you can if you want. but the movies going to start around 945. BE THERE 123 akers east!

YEAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 17:17:13 GMT

I just bought eternal sunshine! it makes me sooo happy. i cant wait till tonight. everyone that is reading this, come over tonight, around 8ish i think. im going to watch it! ehhh there are not words for this.

i find it funny that on the day of eternal sunshine its kinda rainy and gloomy outside. but its alright, i like it. i enjoyed walking in the rain today!

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 00:04:18 GMT

There is a new movie out. its called "Shaun of the Dead" its British a spoof off of 28 days later. check it out. i dont know if its worth the money to go see it. but it looks good.

WRA

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 20:24:48 GMT

i just got back from my wra class, and i think im going to love it. my teacher is awesome, its his first year, hes from canada, and he says about the funny canadian way. he seems like an awesome class, that is not going to be that hard, but im going to learn alot from it. it reminds me almost of ap english last year. anyway. im geeked about it, so i had to tell the world. i hope its as cool as i think its going to be. tomorrow i have a big day. hopefully i will be able to get everything done that i want to get done. i only have one class, not until 4, so...yeah.

nothing more.

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 23:57:37 GMT

i love MSU, i hope this keeps up for the whole year. everyone is so nice. i just got my loft built, and i got a smashing pumpkins poster!!!! its the most awesome thing in my room. i like it almost more then my computer. ive been walking sooo much. im going to have the legs of a horse. yesterday was a long long walk back to sheas, and then today was an even longer walk (3 hours ish) to get my ethernet cord. but i love it. again take care everyone!

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 15:41:14 GMT

so, im at school. and i love it already. i like my room, and my roomates. almost everyone i have meet so far has been really awesome. it was werid making a small bed this morning. i dont have alot more to say, so there will be more to come later. take care everyone!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 13:25:28 GMT

i feel as though at any second i could wake up in my bed, and walk to the bathroom. not feel any different then i did yesterday, but when i look in the mirror, i see my 7th grade face and say, "what a dream"

im so distanced from everything, it all is like a dream.

yesterday was by far an amazing day. i felt complete bliss from the entire universe. everything just seemed to fall into place, it felt as though the day had been previously put together by me, and i went back to live the perfect day. with everything i wanted to happen happening. i still can’t decide if i slept last night or not. i was awake in my bed this morning at 8am, and thought. did i sleep at all, and then i thought, those were some pretty crazy dreams if i was asleep. the only way i can really tell that i didn't sleep is that im uber tired, it comes in waves though, in about 10 min, i will either be asleep, or more awake then ever.

i think its just nerves. i dont feel like i belong here anymore, i feel almost like im already at school. i hope thats a good sign, that ill like it.

putting my life into boxes can be procrastinated no longer. its time

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 18:30:44 GMT

I know some of you might not like the fact that I quote things like mad, but like American History X says, what ever you have to say, someone has already said it, and chances are, someone has said it better then you can. (not always) (originality is key) thats not in quotes because its not exactly what he said.

get it?

ha!

the point of this post, i found a new quote. i like it

"All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream."

more to come.

well, now its family time. I can hardly contain my excitement.

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 18:04:18 GMT

i came to a terrifying realization today. these days, these nights, i want to remember them forever. sooo much happens in ones life, how do we know whats important, and whats not. someone can go 5 years with nothing profound happening in their lives, and then in 3 seconds, your whole world can be flipped out from under you. what do i remember, and what do i let slip away. i dont want to world to crush me. WONDERFUL!

quote from last night, "what goes on up there?" if only

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 22:53:46 GMT

come on, say something profound...don't drop the ball...a lot of people are going to read this..

shit!

Violence is as American as apple pie?

what
yeah, you too!

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 19:23:07 GMT

im operating on 2 & 1/2 hours of sleep. somebody help me.

modest mouse TONIGHT. could i be more excited?

i went rolarblading today. about 4 miles. GO ME. that probably the most active thing ive done all summer. how sad :(

this is for shea, but everyone should look at it

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 20:50:51 GMT

multnomah falls and believe it or not its in

do you remember this from the store? i just found it in my phone(cuz i typed it in) and decided to look it up. I LOVE IT!

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 18:07:35 GMT

Could life get any better? yeah...it could, but its pretty awesome right now too. whats the down fall you may ask. ill tell you. the dentist. yeah, that satanic, malevolent, perfidious, little fuck thats going to prong around inside my mouth until he finds something wrong, or until im bleeding everywhere. why cant he just keep his hands out of my mouth, if he didn't look for something wrong he wouldn't find anything wrong, thus, until it hurt, there would be nothing wrong.

but other then that. two thumbs up!!

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 20:14:27 GMT

and there was bliss.

and there were moments i wish i could make last forever!

thanks for awesome thai beth.

thank you.

and there was rapture.

Clarification

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 19:41:46 GMT

im sorry for my last post. for real, it had nothing to do with you. it was not a rag on you or anything like that. i went back and read it with you in mind, and i see where you are coming from, again im sorry. i have so much respect for you, and i never have had any problems with you, and if i did, i wouldn't get them out on lj. when i say things that are sentences with an understood you, like "dont do something" it is stuff for my self. it is advice for me that i want to do, it usually has nothing to do with anyone else. im sorry that what i said hurt you. i hope you know how much you mean to me. love love love!

dont read this

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 18:22:20 GMT

im so happy right now. it feels fake. this entire summer has been weird, but for the first time today, i stood back and looked at it. i love it. how can i ever think i have the right to be unhappy, when look what i have been given. there are people out there that dont have water, and i get upset when my day doesn't go as planed. wtf. everyone that has touched me this summer has made me think about things a little different. i love the fact that two different people can look at the same thing and see it completely differently.
was the grand canyon made from a little bit of water and a lot of time
or
a lot of water and a little bit of time.
who knows, its just an example. i do miss my friends that i haven't seen in a while. Heather! this means you! lol. i know your having the time of your life! enjoy it!

on a completely different note, i decided that i have nothing to be upset about. in fact i dont even have the right to be upset. shit happens, yes, and we all have different ways of dealing with it. and im not saying that people shouldn't get angry, or that everyone should just be passive and let shit slide all the time, cuz thats not the way to do it either. you have to stand up for what you think is right, when the time comes, but dont go preaching to those who dont care, and getting your shit in a bundle about it. i truly believe that everyone has the ability to make themselves happy or sad, or upset, or angry, or whatever. and the saying that you need sweet and sour is true, we choose to have both. this entry was stream of consciousness, and was edited and edited...and now i dont even think it says what i wanted it to say in the first place. i need to stop doing that. i write out soooo many entries, just to click close on by browser before updating, i know i shouldn't, but i cant help it.
watch the sunrise, get something pierced , talk to my roommateS (note cap S there are 3) see beauty in everything, spend time with people that mean a lot to me. love every minuet of it. see good movies/listen to good music. drink good wine, fix my head, go to some shows. maybe road trip, do something about this crush, love life, play pool, get good at pool, or something like that. start something. a hobby? write something, eat some good food. make peace. love life, and live

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 19:00:41 GMT

i haven't updated in forever, its all good though. my life is going awesome. not having a job is wonderful. i know its not going to last, so i might as well live it up while i can right? A lot has happened since ive been home from Germany, not going to be posted, because the only people that read this are the people ive spent the time with. i smell the death of lj. its ok, its a good therapeutic tool. it can stay. ive been keeping up with the things that i want to do, ive been reading everyday, A+, and ive picked something to do everyday before i go to be for the next day, and every day ive done it. it makes me feel like im accomplishing something, am i? so many unanswered questions. too little time. what is going to happen next in this game, the unknown used to make me uneasy, but now for some reason im ready to take it on. ive got to know a lot of new people this summer, and ive got to know some old ones better. and i still love everyone! "O mama im in fear for life from the long arm of the law" (not really)

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 00:36:09 GMT

hey, im home, im alive, germany was more awesome then i can ever describe. i dont feel like typing much, but i just wanted to let you all know im back. im not sure if i want to go out tonight, i think im just going to stay in. but tomorrow is friday night and well all do something for sure. hope to see ya all soon! bye

germany

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 17:05:27 GMT

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say goodbye for a while. For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to Germany today. I’m leaving in about an hour and a half. I know it will be a good time, but I’m going to miss you guys a lot. It’s only for 11 days, so ill be sure to call when I’m back. Take care everyone, and be safe. love love love!

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 16:45:49 GMT

just a friendly reminder, my graduation party is tomorrow, sat. the 19th. anyone that is reading this is invited. it is from 1-7ish, and if you need directions give me a call 248 756 6879. hope i see you all there.

other then graduation party, life is going good.

i had a meeting for Germany yesterday, wow, it made me pumped up. i can’t believe that in a matter of days i will be leaving the country. i leave on tuesday around 2, soooo monday night we will have to do something awesome before i go.

this morning i was trying to sleep and my mom thought it would be a good idea to vacuum the house! i swear one of these nights when i get home at 230, im going to start vacuuming, or dusting or something equally obnoxious just to see how she likes it. lol

take care everyone!

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 18:29:49 GMT

i just got back from orientation!!!! omg i loved it, campus is beautiful, walking around through the fields with sidewalks at night huahhh, I LOVE IT! IM 50!!! any way. i had an awesome time and im really looking forward to the fall even more now. i loved all the people there, everyone was so nice, if it is anything like that next year then im in for a treat!

Sun, 13 Jun 2004 15:05:35 GMT

remember that time i woke up at 8am and realised how early it was.

or is it the fact that i went to bed at 5?

it was worth it, last night was awesome, and this morning went off with out a hinderance.

what is werid anyway?!?

yet another

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 23:01:44 GMT

i dont think ive ever updated so many times is such a short period of time...but this i dont think i can hold in.

i went to work today to see if any one took my shift (no one did) so then i checked the schedual and im on there a bunch of days that i know i took off, and this is like the 40494294842 time they have done this to me, so i walked out. and im just not going to go back!

im suppoesd to work tomorrow, but im not going to go in. so they are going to call and leave a message. but its not going to make a difference, bceause im just not going to go anymore.

i dont think ive ever been this relieved in my life. i feels unbelievable.

i applied somewhere else (not to be named, because i dont want to get my hopes up if i dont get hired there) but it doesn't matter if i do or not, cuz im so happy that im done with target!!!!

tonight...

Fri, 11 Jun 2004 18:18:41 GMT

last night was fun, i enjoyed it muchly. i got to hang with andrew and nora for a while that was awesome...rammer hammer (need i say more) then it was to bora where we stayed forever, but it was alot of fun and i got to see the whole crew. i love hanging out with you guys especially the mad card action. caitlin decided i should become a card-shuffling teacher in Vegas...doesn't sound bad to me!

Denny's...again...wow. that waitress was scary, what, with her shaking of the coffee mug and her leather skin. lol

then i ran over to scotts for a little bit, got to see shea and him. and catch a little of a post pistons party. it sucks i just missed ashley, but it was still a good time.

tonight, i think glow bowling sounds like a good idea caitlin

p.s, i still have you sun glasses leigh

p.s.s, nora you still have my cube