It’s been so long since I’ve done this. Underneath is a total stream of consciousness piece. It’s a bit different, but I decided I needed to come back with a slam-dunk. Wow I can smell the sarcasm dripping off that.


I have been inspired. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to let my thoughts roll. What? Months have gone by since the beginning of school. I've been living on my own for quite some time now and what can I say, but I've learned a lot. It’s not quite the same learning that I had last year. In fact, it’s completely different. Last year I learned how to be comfortable with myself, I learned how to make friends, and most importantly, I learned that the stigmas that followed me in high school, don’t have to haunt me now. Im completely my own.
I’ve adopted a much more abstract way of thinking about the world. Its no longer about the here and now, or even the later. It’s about the paralysis infinity of human existence. Isn’t it remarkable that so much of the world falls into this cryptic category of what we call the mysterious? Numerous similar scientific discoveries happen all over the world, constantly, independent of each other. Its like, once the answers are out, it’s a lot easier for us to reach up “there” and grab them. This being, this existence, doesn’t matter in the scheme of things. But the remarkable thing is that it does matter in the, what I like to call, ripple. Every action we choose to do, or not to do, has everlasting effects on the world around us. I don’t pretend to understand it, but it is something we have all seen. You know, like the fact that someone can donate their eyes when they die. The person that may not have been able to see before can now be the person that cures cancer. Amazing
This year ive spent a lot of time alone. This isn’t much different from how I usually spend my time, seeing as im the black sheep of my family. I usually spend my time at home as follows: wake up after my parents leave for work, am out of the house (with friends or working) by the time my family gets home, and come in after my parents go to bed. The times that I am home when my parents are home, is usually spent in my room, alone, watching TV. I have no reliable relationship with my brothers, besides an ever-diminishing amount of blood. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can’t talk to them about anything real in my life, for many reasons. One, I feel like they just don’t care. Everything in my life has been played down forever; nothing was ever aloud to be a “serious” issue. Once I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents (a rare occasion) and I was trying to explain to them that I have a lot of things going on in my mind that im not exactly sure how to deal with. Because my family is so peachy, I had to use an example. I told them about one of my friends who is going through some hard times, just to see how they would react. Can you believe this is what they said, “It’s a shame that young people have to take thing so seriously?” WTF? I’m petrified to go to my parents with a real issue, im terrified of how they would react to my life. Second, I feel like they simply wouldn’t understand. Im not trying to be stuck- up here, but my parents don’t have an education. I’m easily the most intelligent “book-smart” person in my family. And a lot of the time I fell like I have to dumb myself down to even get across to them. I don’t know if this is because they just don’t want to deal with things, so they pretend to not understand, or they just generally don’t.
The point, I’ve always been alone. Now its just more literally, than figuratively. So what helps me get through the day? I try.
I try to focus on energy. I realize that the friendships that I have now, are the ones that I want to have for a long time. The people that are close to me now, there are just no words. I feel like the energy that I receive from them, the “natural high” if you will, is more amazing than anything I’ve ever experienced. And this happens from two different types of friends. The people that I see regularly, that know my every move. That is until I bust out something totally fucked up that only they could understand. And the people that I see every now and again, the people that when I see I’m so pumped up for; they can totally make my day. This night, I spent with what I would consider my “privileged” people, has been amazing. Sometimes I might not be having the most “fun,” but I feel like I can be most my self there. Such understanding, almost to the level of bazaar, yet astonishing. But when I get to see the “elite” its just…different. I guess, it takes all types, it takes much more than the sum of the parts.

“im totally freakin. i had to read alittle bit more when i got back, so i duct taped my door, lit incense, and put a towel in my door, and read from my one-ie. im totally tweekin' but its great.”

When thinking about something more than this supposed sum, im lost, completely lost. There are so many fucking skeletons in my closet, way too much going on up there. I need fucking therapy, but there’s no way I can ask for that, with my family, are you kidding? Im terrified of letting someone getting close enough to me to start picking me apart. So much of my façade is based in my twisted enclosed mind. How can I even think about intimacy? Yet it is the thing I yearn for, I have the boat, I need the sail. But its something I can’t have. Countless girls have came up to me, some that I can actually see my self with, and yet I cant talk to them about anything real, because im afraid of them, and only them, seeing…“me.”

“James Iha – One and Two”

So instead I fill my life with amazing times. The most recent, the polo house. Lets start off by saying that im living with two of the polo guys next year, and I feel a particular attachment to them, seeing as they are my first “college” group of friends. Fuck. So when they won big tens I was pumped for it. Their house that night was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place with such positive energy before, besides, of course, a concert. Everyone was so welcoming, free beer, free shots, free everything, hey you’re here, your one of us. Everyone was cheerful. Someone, I remember, in the middle of the night, was standing on a table with two bottles of champagne pouring them into peoples mouths as they stood underneath, like waiting for snow flakes to hit their mouths. Slap the bag never stopped. 4 kegs on a Sunday night. So amazing. I live for these nights.
Doing awesome in school, don’t know how. I really think its because I’ve come to appreciate it so much more. I go to class, and I enjoy it (most of the time.) I don’t try that hard (I do study for exams, and try hard on papers) *knock Knock knock* I just learn when I am in class. I don’t know where this thirst for knowledge came from. Perhaps a way to prove myself? Im glad its here, keeps me optimistic.
As many of you have noticed, this is my first entry in quite some time, almost a year. It’s not in my normal, essay style. This is much more a therapeutic thing for myself; I apologize for any confusion. Nothing is literal, or maybe it all is?
So excited for the future, so interested in the here and now. I love that I walk down the sidewalk and smile for no reason at all. People see this and laugh, but if it influences them for that one moment, triumph. This means there are also times im completely miserable for no reason at all. I contemplate suicide daily, not the act of actually doing it, just think about the world going on with out me. This year I have learned that my world is different from most others. I have this…windfall…and I have to pay for it. It’s just a fucking coaster ride. And the worst part of all, sometimes it seams as if…
Its 241. Im going to read this in the morning and probably laugh, hopefully it’s added to/and or/posted.
May you awake on a lily pad, in a pond full of crystal clear water. No sand, no rocks, instead imagine diamonds. A picture perfect day, around 3p.m, in the spring, the sun is pouring in, and reflecting like a jeweler’s window on Michigan Ave in the Windy City. But your not in the city, your by a solitary building, a temple (of sorts) with stained glass windows. The sun shines through them just right to make colorful moving pictures on the white sand, between the pond and home. It’s surrounded by nothing but forest. These trees are not just trees. They sing. The most harmonious melodies, far greater than any human “composer.” Its warm, you understand…everything. And. You’re with others that do too, the “ones” you meet along the way. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?
I don’t know if ill keep this up. No promises.
Good night. Some things never change. TAKE CARE! I mean it. “.